How many of us set goals to improve our character for the New Year?  How many will have as a goal to be more supportive and less critical, to be calmer and less angry, to be more forgiving and less resentful or to be more optimistic and less pessimistic?

Most people who make resolutions for the new year focus on losing weight, getting fit, making more money, spending more time with family and friends, quit drinking or smoking.  Very few set goals to improve the qualities that form them as a person.

Working towards a vision of what you aspire to be is critical for improving your mental health, for overcoming anxiety, depression and ultimately achieving a greater sense of happiness.  Here’s why.  Our character, that is, the features, traits as well as the moral and mental qualities of our nature is the undercurrent that determines how we will approach everything we do in our life. This includes how we relate to our spouse and friends, how conscientiously we do our work, how we take care of our health etc. Therefore, this is the place we need to put most of our energy.  Focusing on our inner life rather than on our external life. We tend to invest far more effort on our outer life, such as getting fit, getting promoted or looking good.

Building our character is our responsibility, but few understand that it requires effort. Becoming less fearful, calm, positive, courageous, compassionate are all innate abilities we must develop.  Instead, it seems we have handed over this responsibility to Psychiatrists, Psychologists, prozac, ativan, alcohol or marijuana.

I believe this stems from our lack of confidence in our own inner ability and power to improve ourselves and our mental well-being.  It seems to me that people often experience a sense of powerlessness and helplessness in changing their way of thinking.  “It’s just the way I am, it’s just how I’m wired, I’ve been like this my whole life” is what I hear from clients in my practice.

The reason for this is that we have very few role models that have guided us on how to take charge of our minds.  There is very little education on character building as a path to mental well-being.  Mostly we’re taught how to make it to the top, how to make money, be successful, be attractive, be intelligent or have great sex.

Every year both in January and in July at my birthday I make a list of my new resolutions.  Every 6 months I review my list and either scratch some items off or I re-write them again on the next list.  Often I need to write items for a few years in a row!

This year why not set goals to improve your own mental well-being by focusing on the qualities that make up your character.

To do this, first, focus on what you want to become rather than what you don’t want to be. Write down some of the character traits that you want to develop, for example, be calm, be disciplined, be positive, be kind.

Secondly, think of a time when you embodied this particular trait, for example a time when you were calm or disciplined or positive.   If you can’t think of a time in you own life, then think of someone else you know in your life or from a movie or television or a book that represents this trait to which you aspire.

When you keep focusing on this image of how you aspire to be you actually begin to create new pathways in your brain.

Therapy itself acts as a resource to help you create new visions for yourself and support you in moving in positive directions.

The challenge for most is to recognize that changing the way we think and do things requires effort and practice. If you don’t direct the course of your mind, then habits from the past will. To direct your life you must hold the vision of who and what you want to be.  That vision is critical.

Look at your goals daily.  Evaluate how you did at the end of the day. At the same time be realistic.  Take one quality your want to develop and work it into your being for the next six months.  Then re-evaluate.

Make your interior life, in other words, what’s going on inside your mind and heart your focus for the New Year.

Written by:

Claire Maisonneuve, MA.

Registered Clinical Counsellor

Director of the Alpine Anxiety & Stress Relief Clinic

Note: In all case histories and examples other than those pertaining to myself and my family I have changed names and any identifying characteristics in an attempt to protect and preserve privacy and anonymity.  The stories usually represent composites of people struggling with the issues discussed.

On the other hand, as we grow up and are influenced by our circumstances and the people in our lives, we can develop less attractive habits of greed, blame, defensiveness, meanness and selfishness.  These I call our “conditioned nature.”  These are habits that we develop unintentionally that are contrary to the nature of our soul.

As a general rule, most of us live life doing what we have been “conditioned” to do, because it is easy and habitual, rather than doing what we actually desire to do, which is harder and takes practice.  This is the inevitable metaphysical battle that takes place within all human beings: it’s the war between our soul tendencies and our conditioned nature or between right and wrong–the little angel and the little devil.

In Charles Dickens’ classic story “A Christmas Carol,” Scrooge recognized the negative consequences of his “conditioned” habits. Through the help of ghosts he saw his past and realized he had led a lonely and angry existence. He also saw what the future would bring if he continued his life on this path.  He awakened to his inherent desire to be good and experienced the joy of giving.  Near the end of the story he says, “Can this much joy be safe for one individual?”

Research shows us that engaging in helping activities has profound benefits for our health.  This is something Allan Luks, former director of the Institute for the Advancement of Health, has termed the “healthy helper’s syndrome.”  From surveys he conducted in 1987 with people who engaged in personal helping on a regular basis, he discovered from their testimonials that helping others on a regular basis gave them an immediate physical feel-good sensation, which he called  “helper’s high”.  These people described feeling “sensations of pleasure and well being, increased energy, a feeling of warmth, relief from aches and pains and a sense of euphoria.”

In Howard G. Koenig’s book, Kindness and Joy: Expressing the Gentle Love, he wrote:  “Kindness nourishes the mind, body and the spirit of both the giver and the receiver. It is an opportunity to act in a way that is essentially and ultimately divine.” In other words, when we act from our soul nature we connect to the goodness and the joy within us.

Practicing kindness and goodness is critical to our mental health. It is what allows us to develop a positive self-image, a greater sense of self-worth and to feel good about ourselves. When we act in ways that activate the joy within us it diffuses negative states of mind such a fear, loneliness, anger and boredom. The bottom line is: helping others is good for our overall health, because doing good feels good.

Many people complain of feeling guilty, sad and lonely.  For many of these people life is lived primarily in their “conditioned nature” rather than from their “soul nature.”   The rush of their busy lives often prevents them from taking enough time to focus on changing those internal habits.  Instead they focus on improving their image for external approval and recognition The problem is no matter how much we concentrate on doing things for our own personal benefit we can’t feel the joy and the “high” of giving.

Kindness doesn’t need to look like some heroic or self-sacrificing act.  Just the effort of going out of our way to be courteous, considerate, pleasant or thoughtful in very simple ways can be very powerful.

The mark of true kindness, however, is always altruistic, as it expects nothing in return. It is not done for any ulterior motives or for the need to get attention or approval.

There is lots of goodness and generosity in the air during the Holiday Season.  How will you manifest your own goodness?  What will you give this Christmas?  Will it be the gifts that you bought, perhaps in a rush to meet expectations?  Or can you share from your own soul nature, through some acts of kindness and thoughtfulness that will help connect you to the real joy within you?

Merry Christmas to all of you.

Our craving for peace and relaxation is evident in the many spas and yoga centers springing up everywhere.  But the peace and relaxation we seek can only be found within the stillness of our own minds. Without that stillness, our lives remain infected with a chronic busyness that keeps us going, doing and running.  This speed and activity deafens us to the call of our soul and sadly we have mistaken this restlessness as the need for materiality rather than the need for spirituality.

This desperate pursuit is masking a fear of emptiness and loneliness.  So we keep on moving further away from ourselves.  It’s as if we start living next door to who we really are.

It’s true at first, when we tune into ourselves, we may encounter the grief and ache of our hearts that have been used, bruised or broken. Yet if we develop a simple practice of turning within and being still, we can find ‘the kingdom of heaven within us’.  Peace is not found in fancy holidays, home security alarms or credit cards as is advertised.  It’s inside us, ironically the last place we tend to look.

So why do we keep running like this?  Because we feel terrified of letting go of our busyness.  Our accomplishments and productivity have become synonymous with our worth in today’s world. In our desperate race to be accepted for what we ‘do’ rather than who we ‘are’, we believe the more we get done, the more we accomplish the more we’ll be loved. Even our ‘workaholism’ is regarded as a ‘respectable and glorified addiction’. But the true impetus for all this feverish striving is actually the impatient call of our soul.  It is our yearning to find peace, relaxation and quietness so that we may experience the true nature of our being.  Mahatma Gandhi said “Our life is a long arduous quest after Truth”.

So if we yearn for it why don’t we go for it?  The simple answer is habit.  Many of us who grew up in unpredictable families developed a kind of hypervigilance, a need to always be “on” and be on the lookout for the next crisis, drama or disappointment to manage.  We may have learned to associate silence and quietness at home with a crisis brewing, or the punishment of the silent treatment.

Because we felt overwhelmed and scared by the chaos and the unpredictability we learned to hide, run, or move faster by getting involved in constant activities. The faster we moved, the less we would be noticed, and the safer we felt.  Today, this habit persists.

In my therapy work I like to direct people within, to help them have an experience of themselves from the inside, a chance to contact their own wisdom and intuition.  For many this is very difficult at first.  Instead they want to explain, dissect or analyze.  But just watching and being mindful in stillness is the first step towards finding the answers they need and connecting with the possibility of relaxation and inner peace.  Mother Theresa said: “In the silence of the heart God speaks”.

It doesn’t matter how much you change your life on the outside, you must slow down on the inside.  You can live a full life, even a busy life and still be relaxed if inside you maintain calmness.

Stillness and silence should serve as the scaffolding of our lives.  If we want to hear the voices of our souls and our guiding intuition so they can help us find our way, we must be still.  The bottom line is; there’s nothing to do, nowhere to go but to be closer to ourselves.

In the end we need to have a balance between activity and stillness, the call of materialism and the call of spirituality.

Here are two suggestions to find peace and relaxation.

1. Listen to the following guided meditation: Guided Meditation

2. Experiment with spending half a day (or a full day) completely alone in silence.  Take time to walk, eat, wash, rest and relax in silence.  Do everything slowly and mindfully with the goal of having your full, undivided attention in the moment, on everything within and around you.  Turn off your phone, radio, TV, internet and music.  Arrange ahead of time not to be available to talk to anyone.

Be silent and listen within.

Written by Claire Maisonneuve

Registered Clinical Counsellor

Director of the Alpine Anxiety and Stress Relief Clinic

Wisdom throughout the ages has explained how the world operates according to the law of cause and effect.  “As you sow, so shall you reap”.  If you plant seeds for an orange tree, it doesn’t matter how much you pray, affirm, visualize, you will not produce apples.  The law of cause and effect, also known as karma, says you will reap according to the seeds you have planted.

Our life is not a random happening.  Someone once said that to think that this world was created by random laws is like believing that if a tornado hits a junk yard it can produce a Boeing 747!

Similarly, our state of happiness is dependent on, and is a reflection and manifestation of, the seeds we plant each day in our mind.  The Buddha said it this way: “You are what you thought, you become what you think”.

When we plant thoughts of empathy, kindness, love and compassion in our minds, our life becomes harmonious, calm, peaceful and smooth. When we plant thoughts of fear, worry, anger, revenge, jealousy and greed, our life becomes, chaotic, difficult, out of control, even dangerous.

As a species, with all our intelligence we may know how to protect ourselves from wild animals, from some diseases and travel to the moon but we hardly know how to protect ourselves from the negative habits of our own mind!  Our mind is indeed our worst enemy and our greatest friend. Our thoughts can limit or free us.

Thoughts however operate more like habits. When we don’t pay attention to them, they function automatically and we keep thinking the same unhelpful thoughts and getting the same undesired results.

Most people spend lots of energy, time and money trying to master outward circumstances. We constantly worry about what others think about us, but we hardly notice the thoughts in our own mind – which is our ultimate control tower!

Our thoughts create our feelings and those feelings create a response in our body. For example, the thought that we might have an accident driving over the bridge creates fear, which in turn, makes the heart race and creates tightness in the throat and chest.  These internal responses in turn create the impetus for our behaviour.  We may avoid driving over bridges altogether.

Our mind then is the principal instrument by which everything else follows and by which our behaviour is driven. The mind however, is like a muscle, and it must be trained.  If we don’t exercise our powers over our thoughts this power atrophies.  We become like a robot, just reacting to conditions and circumstances.

Here are 3 suggestions to gain mastery over your mind and therefore over your life. Change requires effort. The mind is so strong in its habit pattern, it requires daily effort and introspection to redirect your life.

First, listen to inspirational talks and read motivational books daily.  Stay away from bad news, gossip, and negativity.  We need a tremendous amount of repetition and exposure to what we are striving to achieve for change to happen.  Immerse yourself in positive, uplifting, joyful ways of thinking.

Second, change some of the things you do that maintain and sustain negative thinking habits. The activity of doing something different will often change your thoughts and therefore interrupt unproductive cycles.

For example, if you never call your friends, and end up feeling guilty, and think “what a bad person I am”, make the effort to call your friends more often.  This way you can have proof that you are a good person, and alleviate your guilt.

Another example: If you avoid going over a bridge because that’s where you had your first panic attack, you will reinforce the thought that “bridges are dangerous and I am not safe”.  You must get back on the horse that you fell from.  Going back to the place where you had your first panic attack, and being able to handle it, will help you believe, “I can take care of myself”.

The third step is “mindfulness”, a cornerstone of happiness. Mindfulness is a state of consciousness in which the experiences of your internal world can be observed in the moment, without judgment. This aspect will be discussed in detail in our next newsletter on individual happiness.

Creating all-around happiness and well-being requires a careful investigation of our thoughts and effective strategies to work with them. It calls for the discipline to examine ourselves honestly and to refrain from acting on unexamined feeling and thoughts.

Written by Claire Maisonneuve

Pleasure comes from external sources, such as a holiday in Hawaii, a meal at a restaurant with friends, or buying a new house.  But these events can lead to frustration and displeasure in no time if the weather doesn’t cooperate in Hawaii, the meal isn’t tasty, the friends turn out to be bad company, or if the new house comes with unexpected expenses. The experience of pleasure is very dependent on circumstances being just right!

Happiness may be influenced by pleasure but is not dependent on pleasure. It is an inner state of mind characterized by peace, joy and evenness of mind.  It is a way of “being” in the world rather than a way of “doing or getting”.  It embraces both joy and sorrow with the same sense of equanimity.

Many people have a lot of pleasure in their lives but remain unhappy. Let’s look at Travis. He consulted me because of his difficulty sleeping and his mounting anxiety and negative thinking.  Travis is a busy entrepreneur with three businesses that are doing very well.  He has a great relationship with his wife, who has been an important source of support in his career. He also has two well-adjusted kids in high school.

In Travis’s own words: ” I really don’t understand why I feel this way. I have a great life, I have achieved everything I ever wanted, but no matter where I get to, deep inside I feel an ache, a sense of emptiness and loneliness.”  
Travis has many pleasures in his life, but he doesn’t feel happy.

I’m not suggesting we should not seek pleasure.  But it can be unhealthy when people who suffer from anxiety and depression try to heal themselves by seeking out more pleasure, such as through getting another degree, spending more time at the spa, or finding another job to make more money.  These pursuits can never bring complete relief from anxiety and depression because they are still centered on satisfying the senses and the mind’s need for security.  Focusing on external undertakings and trying to “do and get more” can lead to exhaustion and burnout.

Just as the achievement of physical fitness requires effort and practice, so does the achievement of happiness. Happiness must be cultivated, and there are three requirements for cultivating a state of happiness:

1. The first effort involves purifying the mind of negative toxins such as greed, envy, entitlement, self-centeredness, hatred, meanness, arrogance and jealousy.  These are like weeds that have grown in the garden of our minds because they have been left unattended. Our mind operates very much out of habit.  If we don’t consciously change the negative thought patterns in our mind, the weeds will only increase. So we must examine our thoughts through introspection, and be truthful and honest with ourselves.

2. Secondly, we must practice stillness and silence so we can connect with the happiness within us.  The good news about happiness is that we don’t need to buy it from a store, nor does it come through fame or fortune. Happiness can be achieved just by sitting quietly with ourselves. Contemplative practices to help quiet the mind such as meditation, prayer, mindfulness and single minded concentration are designed to help us find the joy within us.

3. And the last requirement is service.  When we are of service to others, we find our own needs satisfied and our happiness multiplied. Service is not sacrifice.  It comes from a heart that overflows with joy and happiness. We don’t need to do anything remarkable, be famous or be in a helping profession. Small acts of thoughtfulness and kindness such as kind words of support or a simple thank you card will rejoice the heart more than any major achievements of success.

I see how often people’s lives and work have become devoid of love and joy and replaced with the pursuit of pleasure and personal gratification.  In my experience as a psychotherapist I believe that these are principal reasons we suffer so much with anxiety and depression.  Mother Teresa once said, “You may be exhausted with work, you may even kill yourself, but unless your work is interwoven with love, it is useless.  To work without love is slavery”.

Travis came to realize that his “life on the treadmill” as he put it, was exhausting him.  Together we explored and resolved some of the ghosts from his past that sustained some of his insecurities and kept him “doing and running”. He also started a practice to help focus and quiet his mind and changed his schedule to allow for more quality time with his family.  Travis’s sleep has improved and his anxiety levels have significantly decreased.  “I’m starting to feel more joy in my life” said Travis in our last session.

Written by:

Claire Maisonneuve, MA.

Registered Clinical Counsellor
Director of the Alpine Anxiety & Stress Relief Clinic

Note: In all case histories and examples other than those pertaining to myself and my family I have changed names and any identifying characteristics in an attempt to protect and preserve privacy and anonymity.  The stories usually represent composites of people struggling with the issues discussed.

Many people think of their relationship in terms of what they are going to get from it or how the relationship can enhance their life. To have a happy relationship, it’s best to think in terms of “what am I offering, bringing, and giving to this relationship…or…how am I loving?”. As the wise old saying goes, “we get what we give in life”. From my 18 years as a marriage counsellor, I can confidently say, there are no errors in this equation.

If you want to know what you are giving to the relationship, ponder this: If I were to ask your husband or wife “what is it like being married to you?”, what do think he or she would answer?

In my work with couples, when I ask each spouse this question I am always amazed at how accurate their answers are and how, unbeknownst to them, they have just revealed the exact cause of their difficulties.

Do you think your partner would say “it’s great, it’s fun, he/she is supportive, loving, patient, thoughtful, respectful, a great parent to our kids”? Or would he or she say, “its not easy, nothing I do is ever good enough, he/she is critical and needs to have things his/her way”.  Take a moment to reflect on what your partner’s answer might be if I asked “what is it like living with you”?

Some of you may be thinking, “oh, but I do so much: I’m a good provider, I look after the kids, I work six days a week, I take the family on holidays, I’ve built them a nice home, I pay for my kids education”. All this is probably true. However, research shows that what constitutes happiness in a marriage rarely has anything to do with these “big ticket” items. Instead, it has to do with the small, intimate moments and gestures that convey fondness, kindness, respect, love and understanding.

These include small moments like greeting each other with a warm welcome at the end of the day, putting down the newspaper to listen to your partner, making eye contact when talking to each other, including your partner in any decision-making process. Essentially, showing your partner that he or she matters, in small ways.  Mother Teresa put it this way: “It does not matter how much we give, but how much love we put in our giving”.

Some of the best-suited couples with the most “chemistry” have managed to spoil their relationship. Why? How? One study of divorced people concluded that the number one cause of their marriage breakdown was “that they took each other for granted”. Remember: Happy marriages don’t just happen. They are created and worked on.

Sometimes, offering these little acts of respect and kindness may be difficult if you feel ambivalent about the relationship. If you got married because you didn’t want to be alone or you were afraid no one else would come along or you wanted the financial security, you may be withholding from your partner the gifts you have to offer and may need to examine what is affecting your commitment to your spouse.

Each partner must do their own part in the relationship and really only be concerned with just that. In counselling, couples often talk about “their relationship” as if it was some separate entity outside of themselves. When I hear things like “we don’t communicate, we don’t make time for each other, we don’t laugh anymore”, I ask them to clarify “which WE are we talking about? You don’t make time for him or she doesn’t make time for you?” There is no WE that is making or not making time. Talking about your relationship in terms of “we” or “our relationship” is a convenient way of not taking responsibility for your own contribution.

If you are feeling confused, frustrated or helpless, you may not be seeing how certain patterns of interactions are creating conflict and distance in your relationship. Counselling helps you to remember and appreciate the gifts you can bring to your relationship and develop ways you can relate to each other more respectfully and constructively, all of which helps you to love more maturely and, in turn, helps you feel better about yourself.

The key is this: If you don’t like what you are getting, change what you are giving. So the first rule for a happy marriage is to “analyze yourself to see what you are giving”. The challenge is to examine and change yourself without blaming, shaming or hating yourself.

Ultimately, you can view the purpose of your relationship as a vehicle to learn to love more deeply and sincerely and help you grow in wisdom and compassion. We will cover this idea in more detail in our next ‘couples newsletter issue’.

Written by: Claire Maisonneuve

J. P. wrote: “Last December, I sent cards to some relatives back home, but didn’t receive a single reply from them.  Also, I have a cousin who doesn’t respond to my e-mails, and I’m having a hard time dealing with this. Sometimes I think I should just let go but this little bug inside me says: “Well, there has to be something you can do to let this person know how you feel, because if you don’t, how will anything ever change?” But I’m worried that my response will show my anger, and what would that accomplish.”

This relates to a very important issue that I deal with daily in my practice.  What to do with our feelings?

Most people have distorted thinking about their feelings. They often view feelings as weak, irrational, embarrassing, out of control, unpredictable, or as a means of manipulating or as an excuse to not get things done.  
For example, some people believe that anger is a bad, unholy, dangerous and toxic emotion.  Rather than ever feeling anger they may instead only ever allow themselves to feel sadness.

Because of this distorted thinking, people either attempt to hide, deny or suppress their feelings convincing themselves that it would be selfish, bad or a waste of time to express them. They try to deal with everything only from a logical, rational, non emotional standpoint and may even become impatient with other people’s feelings.

Because they view feelings as a private matter, these same people may also have difficulties in showing affection and expressing love.  They reason that “others should know you love them without having to say it”, or will just say “ditto” when told “I love you”.  Denying feelings inevitably leads to silent stewing and resentment which eventually erupts as subtle put downs, invalidations and disengagement from others.

People at the other end of the spectrum are quick to express what they believe to be ‘what they feel’, when in fact they are expressing opinions, judgments and criticism for example, ”I feel that you don’t care, I feel like I don’t matter to you, I feel you are inconsiderate”. These are all stories and assumptions born out of our interpretations rather than feelings.

The way I teach clients to work with feelings is to take the middle path.  I say, “don’t suppress, don’t express but address”. That means, don’t deny what you feel by telling yourself to “just let it go, it’s not important or just get over it”.  And don’t act on your feelings as if they were the absolute, final truth, by lashing out at others and ending up feeling worse because you’ve behaved in a mean manner.  Instead, let your inner wisdom and your capacity for self-reflection dictate your behavior.

To acknowledge, honor and validate what we feel is the first step in dealing skillfully with our feelings.  We don’t move on until and unless we take this first step.

Your feelings matter. Feelings are never right or wrong, but behavior can be.

Once we acknowledge and accept our feelings, we can proceed with trying to understand them.

Exploring the story behind the feelings is the second step. When J.P.’s relatives didn’t reply, chances are she created a story in her mind to explain this.  This story was likely, negative, critical and blaming. I suspect J.P. might have a story around being rejected, not important, or not worthy.  “My relatives didn’t reply because they don’t care about me, they think I’m not worth the time, I’m not important enough to them”. It is this story, rather than the event that has left her feeling angry.

Once you identify the story, ask yourself two questions: “do I absolutely know that my story is true?”.  Do I absolutely know that my relatives don’t care?”  90% of the time the answer is “no, I don’t know this to be true”.

Then ask the next question: “If I didn’t have this story what would my attitude be, what would I do?”

This latter question always brings out the best in people.  Essentially it allows us to look at a situation free from the entanglements of our negative interpretations, and without taking it personally.  The answer to this question will reveal to us the wisest and most sensible course of action.

Stating clearly what we want is the third step.  What is the outcome we are looking for. Typically people will criticize others, tell them all the ways they have been hurt by them, but never give them a clear description of what they would like instead.

In J.P.’s case she might want to email her cousin with something like: “Hi “cousin”, I thought I would try to email you once again, as I would really like to connect with you and hear how you are doing.  I was disappointed not hear back from you and I’m beginning to wonder if I have the right email address!  I’m imagining that your life is very busy, but please if you have a moment drop me a line as I look forward to hearing how you are and what’s been happening in your life.”

Our feelings are never the problem. Rather it’s how we relate to and what we do with our feelings. We can turn our feelings into suffering by trying to escape them when we suppress or express them.

If you suppress and don’t say anything you are left suffering with a story that is likely untrue.

If you express with opinions and blame, you’re left suffering with the consequences of your actions.

Our willingness to appreciate and validate what we feel and then investigate its meaning will help us act in ways that facilitate connection and bonding in relationships.

A final word.  Feelings are different from ‘intuition’ and from ‘states of being’ such as joy, peace and love.  Next month I will elaborate on this.

Written by: Claire Maisonneuve, M.A.
Registered Clinical Counsellor

Director of the Alpine Anxiety & Stress Relief Clinic

After 35 years of research in his ‘Love Lab’, Psychologist John Gottman confirmed that one of the key ingredients in a happy marriage is the frequent sharing of words of affection, appreciation and admiration. This is one of the seven principal factors that Gottman tells us make up a great marriage: fondness and admiration. To help sustain and maintain this key component of your relationship you need to share with your partner what you appreciate about them (their intelligence, sense of humour, caring, reliability). You must find time and ways to say “I love you”, “I adore you” and let your partner know that you are their greatest ‘fan’.

Keeping this part of your marriage alive doesn’t happen by itself. You must make consistent, and I believe daily, efforts to show your partner you like them, you enjoy them and that they are special to you. After all, when your relationship began, it was easy and natural to give compliments and talk about how much the other person meant to you. However, like many of the couples I see, you may have simply lost this ability. Although you still honour and respect your partner, you likely don’t take the time to convey this.

I also see couples who simply don’t realize how important this is or lack the skill to communicate in this way. As an example, when Lydia once told her husband in my office “I want you to tell me what you appreciate about me, not just that I look good” he said “I didn’t know you wanted that”. There are partners who feel uneasy and too vulnerable in displaying such affection. They might say things like, “I don’t have to tell her I love her, she knows that” or “I shouldn’t have to say that kind of stuff.” Unfortunately, this just won’t fly.

These little words of affection serve as rituals of connection between you and are what actually keeps the passion and romance alive in your marriage. It’s not the big trips or the expensive jewelry. If the pilot light isn’t always on between you through these small daily interactions, you won’t be able to ignite a big fire on a fancy holiday! More importantly, these rituals serve as a powerful buffer when things get tough because they provide a reserve of good feeling, respect, and acceptance in your emotional bank account. Then when you face challenges in your relationship, you are less likely to get stuck in such catastrophic thinking such as; “our marriage is over because we’re having an argument”.

A very large survey of divorced people revealed that, in hindsight, the most common reason sited for the breakdown of their marriage was that they took it for granted. They didn’t nurture what they once had.

My recipe for the couples I work with is to tell your partner daily some words of love, affection and appreciation. Never assume it’s not necessary or that your partner doesn’t need it. Remember, love is a verb. It’s a decision to act a certain way. This ritual of connection allows you to “make love” daily in your marriage and re-create the passion that was there when you met. Your partner is still who she/he was when you first fell in love, but your interactions have changed. So start today and tell your partner the things you value in them and thank them for these things. This way you will start creating the kind of relationship you want.

Written by:
Claire Maisonneuve, MA.
Registered Clinical Counsellor
Director of the Alpine Anxiety & Stress Relief Clinic

(Names and any identifying characteristics in all cases have been changed to protect and preserve privacy and anonymity. The stories represent composites of people struggling with the issues discussed.)

Sometimes we can get stuck in asking why, both about ourselves or others. ”Why did this happen to me, why am I like that, why did they do this to me, why did God let this happen to me?” Often this question can serve as a weapon to beat ourselves up and confirm how stupid, bad, or unworthy we really are. On the other hand when we keep asking “why does he think like that?, why does she drink so much?” and so on, it can be information we want to gather to beat someone else in an argument or make them feel bad and unworthy.

What I want to propose today is that asking: “what do I need to learn from this and what do I need to do?” will be more productive in moving forward in your life.

One of the most important quotes that has guided my life is by a nun who said “The things that happen to us do not matter; what we become through them does.”  Why things happen to us is not as important as who and what we become as a result. We must look forward in our life to what we aspire to become and what we want to create for our future.

We can view our life experiences as unfair and become bitter, discouraged, and self-pitying. Or we can see these experiences as happening for our own good, our own growth and learning and become stronger, wiser and better.  Whether we become bitter or better is entirely up to us.  We alone determine our reactions to the circumstances that life brings.

We cannot, with our limited human understanding, fully comprehend the reasons why life happens the way it does. Just like it’s hard to understand how a huge tree can come out of a tiny seed, the pursuit of why things happen the way they do can be a way out of our responsibility to grow up.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that we must never inquire into why? In fact, an important part of the work I do with clients is to help them understand how their past has shaped their thinking and the way they habitually react to things today. This process is very powerful in normalizing people’s experience and helps them have more understanding and compassion for themselves. This process is actually designed to help people move on to who they want to become and can help them forgive and release the past.

My point is that knowing why things happen the way they do doesn’t actually change anything for us in the present. It may offer solace but transformation requires first a vision of who we want to become and then the action to create this change.

So when you think about all the tragedies and difficulties that have happened to you in life or the mistakes that you have made that make you feel ashamed, rather than becoming downcast and discouraged, try to think about how you can change and transform yourself to become proud of who you are as a person today. Be determined that you will learn from your mistakes and change yourself for the better. Only if you correct yourself today can you let go of the past. When you don’t change yourself today and you keep behaving in the same unproductive ways, you keep the past alive.  We can only heal the past in the present. We keep the past alive when the present doesn’t change.

And just remember.  All this takes time….years of persistence and commitment.

Written by:

Claire Maisonneuve, MA.

Registered Clinical Counsellor
Director of the Alpine Anxiety & Stress Relief Clinic

Author Joan Borysenko said that “…guilt is an autoimmune disease of the soul that causes us to literally reject our own worth as human beings.” Indeed, guilt makes us feel bad about almost everything we do because there is always self-criticism attached to it, a voice that says we could always do things better.

To cover our guilt we set up rules and expectations for ourselves and others on how to be. These are usually fraught with “shoulds” and “musts” that can make our life rigid: “I have to exercise everyday, eat a perfect diet, work many hours, never rely on anyone, always be right. I have to be perfect. I must never make a mistake or fail.”

Let’s consider Talia’s situation for a moment. Talia is a compulsive helper. She always feels it’s her responsibility to fix everyone else’s problems. She always makes herself available to anyone who needs her at any time. But this lending hand is coming more from a place of fear. She’s afraid that if she doesn’t sacrifice herself for everyone, she won’t have anyone around her and she’ll end up alone. She has no boundaries and can’t say no. Consequently, she often feels that people are taking advantage of her. Once in a while she erupts and really chews someone out. Afterward, she feels totally guilty, and bad about what she’s done.

In these moments, Talia’s actions are based on mistaken beliefs that she isn’t worthy enough for others to want to be in her life for who she is rather than what she does. The problem is that her reactions perpetuate those negative thoughts that come from her conditioning, because what she does when she erupts is indeed unkind and that reinforces her negative beliefs about herself.

Remorse on the other hand is the voice of our conscience. Conscience is our compass for truth, morality and love. Remorse is the recognition that we have acted in ways that are  wrong or hurtful. Remorse impels us to take reparative actions to correct our mistakes.

Guilt is what happens when we don’t follow our conscience. We know we shouldn’t steal, drink or say those hurtful comments, but we do it anyway. In this way guilt silences our conscience.

When we don’t listen to guilt and act out in ways that go against our conscience, we can start to “feel bad” about our behaviour.  But “bad” is not a feeling, it’s a thought. Mistaken negative thoughts or beliefs regarding our self-worth cause us to feel shame.  Shame always underlies guilt. Whereas guilt is the painful feeling we experience when we regret our actions, shame is the painful feeling we experience when we feel bad about ourselves.

“I am bad” is a mistaken belief that we can become trapped in. When we think to ourselves “I am bad”, it can make us believe that we are unworthy, inadequate and not good enough and make us afraid that we will be punished, be it by humans, law, karma or God.

The only way to heal guilt is through love-that is, loving ourselves as much as others. The problem is we can’t love or feel good about ourselves if we act in ways that are wrong or that hurt others. When Talia is acting out due to fear, it makes it difficult for her to feel good about herself.

When we feel bad about ourselves we act bad. When we act bad, we either withdraw and avoid others or we attack, become defensive and blame.

Let’s take a look now at Alana. Alana is a perfectionist. Her in-laws are coming for the weekend, and she wants to show them that she’s a great daughter-in-law, so she insists on doing all the cooking and cleaning herself and doesn’t let them contribute in any way. This is because she doesn’t believe she has a right to ask for what she needs. Her core belief is that her needs don’t matter. She’s hoping that by doing all the work, she’ll prove to them that she’s good. The problem is that by the end of the weekend, she’s angry, exhausted and resentful that she had to do everything herself. Eventually, she takes it out on her kids. This results in her feeling guilty, reinforcing her negative beliefs.

Alana needed to let her in-laws help out. Talia needed to set boundaries with her time. Guilt was their teacher saying “what you are doing isn’t working. If you didn’t believe those negative thoughts about yourself how would you act?”  Guilt reminded them that they were not acting from the best in them.

The first step to healing guilt is to change the way we act.  Changing the way we act isn’t easy. Everyone wants to be free from guilt, but very few are willing to do what it takes. Given the choice, we almost always choose our conditioned habits over what we know is best for us to do. It’s always a choice between our conditioning and our conscience, between fear and love.  We get stuck in guilt because we choose what is familiar rather than face the discomfort of doing something new.

This is why for alcoholics, abstinence is non-negotiable. You can’t go on a binge and ever hope to recover your sense of self-worth. It just can’t happen. For the alcoholic, drinking always leads to further shame.  Therefore, the key to being able to change our behaviour is willingness. We must first want to and be willing to change our behaviour.

It’s true that it’s hard to take responsibility for guilt because we “feel so bad”. But remember: Guilt is the teacher that tells us that we are not acting from truth. Guilt wants us to recover our sense of worth, but we cannot do that externally. It must come from within us. It cannot come from the approval and accolades of others, but from our own. The only praise or blame we truly accept in the end is from ourselves. No one can take away my guilt but me.

Recovery from guilt is not just a psychological process but a spiritual one, because it forces us to learn the lessons of love, and love, is the essential meaning of our existence.

Written by:

Claire Maisonneuve, MA.

Registered Clinical Counsellor
Director of the Alpine Anxiety & Stress Relief Clinic

(Names and any identifying characteristics in all cases have been changed to protect and preserve privacy and anonymity.  The stories represent composites of people struggling with the issues discussed.)