As I was reviewing some course material from a workshop I took a while back on “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” it occurred to me how frequently I hear my clients describe these traits about their parents.

It also became evident to me that there is a spectrum of emotional immaturity, and that most of us can either report some of these traits in our parents or even identify ourselves with some of the characteristics to different degrees and at various times in our lives.

Hence why I’m not assigning labels or diagnoses here; we are all a work in progress.

With that in mind, I’m compelled to outline the more severe forms and consequences of growing up with emotionally immature parents for three essential reasons.

First, I want to validate the experiences of adult children raised in this environment. It’s crucial for them to understand that they are neither crazy nor wrong, and my hope is to help recognize and validate their experiences.

Secondly, I urge you as an adult to take a hard look at how many of these traits may now show up in your relationships and/or parenting. If you’re not replicating these behaviours, reflect on what you do instead. Remember, most of us will either mirror our parents’ actions or swing to the opposite extreme; a complete reversal does not guarantee correctness.

Third, I want adult children to grasp that their parents exhibited these behaviors due to their own unresolved wounds. While their bodies may have grown, their emotional development often stalled. Their minds may have matured, but their hearts failed to acquire deep empathy and emotional intimacy.

For children raised by one or more emotionally immature parents, the primary message is clear: you are responsible for your parent’s happiness. You learn that the parent’s needs take precedence, leading you to abandon your autonomy. What you feel, think, or desire becomes secondary to your parent’s wants.

When you diverge from their expectations, it’s perceived as a lack of care. This creates an environment where differences are viewed as threats, instilling in you the habit of suppressing your voice in their presence.

Over time, children of emotionally immature parents disown their true selves around them and eventually extend this disownment to other relationships as they grow. Failure to conform is labeled as selfishness.

Adult children of emotionally immature parents often feel trapped, lacking the freedom to exercise their own agency. Their thoughts, feelings, and impulses are steeped in doubt, with constant vigilance dominating their interactions.

This sense of being invisible and overlooked, coupled with the fear of being a burden and the need to mask vulnerability, can foster profound emotional loneliness, even when you are surrounded with loving people.

The most tragic outcome in my view is the pervasive sense of shame and the damaging belief of “I am bad” that stems from parents who are incapable of recognizing their children as separate individuals.

It’s time to acknowledge and confront these realities! If these experiences resonate with you, please contact us. Our counselors at Alpine are equipped to assist you on your journey to a more fulfilling life.

Below I have added a list that outlines the terms and conditions inherent in Emotionally Immature Relationships taken from Lindsay C. Gibson’s book “Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents”.

This list is to help you understand the behaviours and agreements you learned from growing up with emotionally immature parents, and can help you identify if this is still part of your adult relationships.

Take a look and see if any of these characteristics resonate.

Terms of The Emotionally Immature Relationship

  1. I agree that your needs should come first before anyone else’s.
  2. Of course you should be upset if anyone says no to you about anything.
  3. It’s okay to inform me what I should like or dislike.
  4. Yes, it makes sense for you to determine how much time I should want to spend with you.
  5. I agree not to speak my own mind when I’m around you.
  6. Yes, I will show ‘respect’ by disowning myself in your presence.
  7. Of course you shouldn’t have to exercise self-control if you don’t feel like it.
  8. It’s fine if you don’t think before you speak.
  9. It’s true: you should never have to wait, or deal with any unpleasantness.
  10. I agree, you shouldn’t have to adjust when circumstances change around you.
  11. Please say anything you want, and I won’t object.
  12. It’s okay if you ignore me, snap at me, or don’t act glad to see me: I’ll still want to spend time with you.
  13. Yes, I must be ignorant if I think differently from you.
  14. Of course you are entitled to be rude.
  15. I agree that you shouldn’t have to take direction from anyone.
  16. Please talk as long as you like about your favorite topics; I’m ready to just listen and never be asked any questions about myself.

To assist with your healing, I have also included Lindsay Gibson’s guidance for overcoming the effects of challenging relationships.

Bill of Rights for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

  1. The Right to Set Limits

I have the right to set limits on your hurtful or exploitative behavior.

I have the right to break off any interaction in which I feel pressured or coerced. I have the right to stop anything long before I feel exhausted.

I have the right to call a halt to any interaction I don’t find enjoyable.

I have the right to say no to anything without a good reason.

2. The Right Not to be Emotionally Coerced

I have the right to not be your rescuer.

I have the right to ask you to get help from someone else.

I have the right to not fix your problems.

I have the right to let you manage your own self-esteem without my input. I have the right to let you manage your own distress.

I have the right to refuse to feel guilty.

  1. The Right to Emotional Autonomy and Mental FreedomI have the right to feel or think anything.I have the right to no ridicule or mockery of my values, ideas, or interests.

4. The Right to Know How I Feel

I have the right to know whether I love you or not. I am not obligated to love you because you feel bad or I am related to you.

I have the right not to disconnect from myself to make things easier on others.

I have the right to be bothered by how I’m treated.

5. The Right to Clear Communications

I have the right to say anything as long as I do it in a non-violent, non-abusive way. I have the right to ask to be listened to.

I have the right to speak up and tell you if my feelings are hurt.

I have the right to be told what you want from me without assuming I should know.

  1. The Right to Choose What’s Best for MeI have the right to leave whenever I want.I have the right not to visit if it’s not a good time for me.I have the right to opt out of any activity or get-togethers I don’t find enjoyable. I have the right to make my own decisions, without self-doubt.
  2. The Right to Live Life My Own WayI have the right to take action even if you don’t think it’s a good idea.I have the right to spend my energy and time on what I find important.

    I have the right to trust my inner experiences, and take my aspirations seriously. I have the right to take all the time I need, and not be rushed.

    I have the right to refuse to feel shame.

  3. The Right to Equal Importance and RespectI have the right to be considered just as important as you.I have the right to live my life, and not be shamed by anyone.I have the right to be treated respectfully as an independent adult.
  4. The Right to Put My Own Health and Well-Being FirstI have the right to thrive, not just survive.I have the right to take time for myself to do things I really enjoy.I have the right to decide how much energy and attention I give to other people. I have the right to take time to think things over.
  5. The Right to Love and Protect MyselfI have the right to self-compassion when I make mistakes.I have the right to change my self-concept when it no longer fits.I have the right to preserve the time and space necessary to nourish and protect my inner world. I have the right to treat myself nicely and with loving-kindness.

    I have the right to be free of self-criticism, and to fully accept my individuality.

    I have the right to be me.