One of the most common reasons people come to counselling is to talk about relationships. We grow up, work, and play in relationships.
When this part of our lives is in harmony, everything feels easier. But when we struggle in our relationships—whether in marriage, the workplace, family, or community—life becomes much more difficult.
Through my own personal growth and development, and through working with clients over the last 40 years, I have realized that getting along with people is fundamentally about navigating human differences. Learning to live and work peacefully with people who see the world differently from us is one of the most vital skills a person can develop.
This skill is called differentiation, and it refers to the ability to manage the tension that arises in relationships when differences emerge.
A lack of differentiation is at the root of most relational difficulties.
What Differentiation Means
Dr. Ellyn Bader from the Couples Institute® in California who has been the most influential mentor of my career, describes two types of differentiation: self-differentiation and differentiation from others.
She writes, “Differentiation of self is the ability to identify and express important parts of yourself. It’s about telling your partner what you think, feel, and desire. You are taking a risk, putting yourself out there.”*
Self-differentiation is the ongoing process of looking inside yourself, identifying what you want, feel, and desire, and holding steady as you share this with others—even when you think they may not be comfortable hearing it. This requires managing the anxiety and fear that come with self-revelation, because it may lead to separation or to deeper intimacy.
“Differentiation from one’s partner is the ability to be curious about what your partner says, while managing your own emotional reactions.”
Differentiation from others means stretching beyond your insecurities and becoming genuinely curious about another person’s thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires. Most importantly, it means letting people be who they are without needing to change them.
For many people, differentiation can feel frightening. Rejection and abandonment, or losing oneself to another through being controlled and inundated, are two major fears that often play out in relationships.
Dr. Bader writes, “When you start to think about differentiating in your relationship, you may feel fear. One fear is that if you tell your partner your opinions, desires, thoughts, and feelings, your partner may not like what you reveal. Part of you fears this may end up in a big fight, or worse, your partner will leave. Another fear is that you will lose your sense of yourself. You fear that if you become curious about what your partner is really thinking and feeling, their needs and desires may overtake yours.”
In sum, getting along with others requires us to share what is true for us without needing other people’s approval, agreement, or reciprocal acceptance in order to feel okay within ourselves.
The Opposite of Differentiation
When we don’t learn differentiation, we are likely to live in what Dr. Bader refers to as “symbiosis.”
In symbiosis, we try to maintain attachment or sameness with our partner. Differences are seen as a threat, and we may try to eliminate them either by dominating or by caving in. Both are ways of managing our fear of loss and aloneness: loss of the other, or loss of self.
We often believe that agreement brings approval. If you want the same thing, approve of my opinion, agree with my choices and desires, and think the way I do, then I feel accepted.
In a symbiotic marriage, you may expect your spouse to take care of you, know what you want without asking, feel the way you feel, and want what you want. Symbiosis can lead to self-presentation rather than real disclosure, because we reveal only the parts of ourselves we expect the other person to like.
Many relationships are built on a silent contract: If you agree with me, I will love and support you. If you don’t, I will withdraw. Paul Ferrini calls this the “tyranny of agreement” as it confuses love with validation. Many people struggle to believe that love can exist in the presence of disagreement.
For example, parents who see their children as extensions of themselves may expect them to behave in ways that make the parents look good. As a result, they may be unable to truly celebrate their child’s uniqueness and differences.
Ultimately, Dr. Bader defines symbiosis as “an attempted solution for existential anxiety about being alone and an attempted way to maintain attachment. This results from an individual’s limited capacity to be alone and maintain their own self-esteem, to calm or comfort themselves during disagreement and be able to do their own thinking.”
Approval, Honesty, and Self-Worth
Differentiation requires us to give ourselves approval instead of depending on others to provide it or manage our emotional equilibrium.
It replaces the need for comfort and consensus with honesty. Speaking your truth without fear of rejection can build deeper trust, because the other person gets to know who you really are.
In essence, differentiation is the ability to hold on to your own sense of self while staying close to someone else.
It is emotional maturity.
Learning to differentiate is not always easy, but it is essential if we want healthier, more honest, and more respectful relationships. It asks us to know ourselves, speak truthfully, listen with curiosity, and stay grounded when others see things differently. When we can do this, we create room for both connection and individuality. We no longer need others to agree with us in order to feel secure, and we no longer need to abandon ourselves in order to belong. In this way, differentiation becomes one of the most important pathways to getting along with others.
When Differentiation Is Missing in Marriage
When couples do not differentiate, they may become either hostile or avoidant.
Dr. Bader writes, “The hostile couples will start fighting, blaming and/or threatened to leave. They will trigger hurts and trauma in each. Avoidant Couples will not engage with their partners. They will not be curious with each other, and may not ask any questions at all, for fear that would lead to conflict. Without differentiation relationships can become stale or toxic. The charge of the relationship dies. Partners get lonely. Often partners turn to substances or to others outside the relationship to avoid dealing with discomfort.”
How Differentiation Happens
Differentiation is a process of emotional maturity and an evolution of consciousness. It does not happen all at once.
Over the next few months, I will go into detail about the steps on the ladder of differentiation, so you can evaluate where you are in the process and what you need to do to improve your ability to get along with others. Stay tuned.
*All quotes reprinted with permission from the Couples Institute®
